crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
You Might Also Like
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.