I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
*crowd in 1889 screaming because I appeared out of thin air and shot a baby* that was Baby Hitler…everyone calm down that was Baby Hitler
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[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades.
Wait til spring
My work has this cute thing they do where if you’re really good at your job, they get you to do everyone elses too.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Never judge a book by its cover. Besides, you’re on Twitter and don’t even read books.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I hate this double standard
burning a body in the crematorium is fine-
……but you do it at home and suddenly it’s destroying evidence.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.