@crushingbort: *crowd in 1889 screaming because I appeared out of thin air and shot a baby* that was Baby Hitler...everyone calm down that was Baby Hitler
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@3sunzzz: *4yo son, crying* I'm sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn't supposed to cook the macaroni necklace? *sigh* Parenting is hard.
@SteveSuckington: I once walked in on my brother having sex with my girlfriend. Needless to say I deflated her and threw her in the trash. #awkwardbreakup
@DaddyJew: That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
@carlyken: him: hey babe, did you pick up weed & feed for the yard me: ok bad news first I completely misunderstood you him: what’s the good news me: have a brownie