Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Something Saturday.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.