@crushingbort

*crowd in 1889 screaming because I appeared out of thin air and shot a baby* that was Baby Hitler…everyone calm down that was Baby Hitler

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@IamEnidColeslaw

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

@Buffalojilll

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

@sarcasticmommy4

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

@VerifiedJayy

Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades.

Wait til spring

Enjoy

@HallpassCanada

My work has this cute thing they do where if you’re really good at your job, they get you to do everyone elses too.

@jonnysun

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

@WhiskeySoured

Never judge a book by its cover. Besides, you’re on Twitter and don’t even read books.

@tiffistrying

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

@ahMandalorian

I hate this double standard
.
.
burning a body in the crematorium is fine-
……but you do it at home and suddenly it’s destroying evidence.

@prufrockluvsong

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.