I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
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SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
it be like that
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits