[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
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ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy