@ClichedOut

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

You Might Also Like

@TheBoydP

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

@WheelTod

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.

@Ochie2S

Me: [On Mars] *opening a bag of chips*

My Dog: *blasts off from earth*

@FrazzleMyGimp

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

@torrami

Nine months from now we’ll have an adorable, pooping reminder of The Night the Internet Wasn’t Working.

@Aspersioncast

My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.

@NewDadNotes

My daughter snuck some snacks into her bed last night and got me in trouble when Mama found them. Now I have to search her every night for bed snacks like some kind of Toddler TSA Agent.

@3dog101

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”