[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
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Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
My beach vacation Google searches
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
🙋♀️
BRO LMFAO
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema