me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Yawning is your body’s way of saying 20% battery left
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Me: [On Mars] *opening a bag of chips*
My Dog: *blasts off from earth*
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
[the boy is riding a shark]
Nine months from now we’ll have an adorable, pooping reminder of The Night the Internet Wasn’t Working.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
My daughter snuck some snacks into her bed last night and got me in trouble when Mama found them. Now I have to search her every night for bed snacks like some kind of Toddler TSA Agent.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”