FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
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[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I think the cat got the dog high.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Auto correct is my worst enema.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
can’t catch a break
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what