@thestlouisan

-Crowded Restaurant-
Me: Table for four, please.
[seated]
Me: Now, to get married & have two kids…

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@WilliamAder

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

@peteholmes

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

@bornmiserable

blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year

@NYorNothing

Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should

@JB4Realz

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

@bridger_w

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

@bourgeoisalien

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

@WhirledRecord

USA: “Hey, Canada, can you hold this for a second?”
Canada: “OK.”
*USA hands Detroit to Canada*
*USA quickly walks away.*

@_SetTheHook_

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

@offbeatoliv

When skiing it’s always good to keep a photo i.d. on you in case they need to identify the body.