-Crowded Restaurant-
Me: Table for four, please.
Me: Now, to get married & have two kids…

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I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.


playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”


blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year


Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should


HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*


“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink


No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother


USA: “Hey, Canada, can you hold this for a second?”
Canada: “OK.”
*USA hands Detroit to Canada*
*USA quickly walks away.*


So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?


When skiing it’s always good to keep a photo i.d. on you in case they need to identify the body.