I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Me: Table for four, please.
Me: Now, to get married & have two kids…
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playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
USA: “Hey, Canada, can you hold this for a second?”
*USA hands Detroit to Canada*
*USA quickly walks away.*
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
When skiing it’s always good to keep a photo i.d. on you in case they need to identify the body.