Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

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GUY: I wish girls liked comics.

GIRL: I love comics.

GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?


“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*


Lauren’s coming over.

“Lauren from work or the one who pretends to be a Dr?”

Lauren: Sorry I’m late, I removed a gooblyglop from a dinkis.


“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th


Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.


What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.


If there’s awkward silence & he asks what you’re thinking about “emotionally damaged werewolves” is not the best answer. I know this now.


Rabbits are either running or being a statue. You never see a rabbit strolling.


We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.


[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really