@ceejoyner

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

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@bananagrvyrd

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

@ShittyComedian

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

@just1fool

I wasn’t dancing. I was trying to connect to the wifi.

@daemonic3

[interrogation]

ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer

@kirthyiyer

The location of a pimple on your body is directly correlated to how much your body hates you.

@UnFitz

Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

@MarfSalvador

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

@ddsmidt

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

@CatsVsHumanity

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

@mjkspeaks

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.