Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

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People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.


So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.


I wasn’t dancing. I was trying to connect to the wifi.



ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer


The location of a pimple on your body is directly correlated to how much your body hates you.


Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?


me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous


The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.


At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead


Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.