Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
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Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
choose your gary
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.