Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
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Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
twitter is a journey
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring