Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
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my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper