@Cpin42

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

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@Reverend_Scott

WORM 911: what’s ur emergency

FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD

WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.

@GeekWithCurls

Guys, I have an announcement to make.

I’ve decided to use the quarantine as an opportunity to rekindle my marriage.

Everyone here knows we are struggling, and this may be the last shot I have at reconnecting.

Hahaha just kidding is Amazon still shipping shovels?

@DannyZuker

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

@MelvinofYork

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

@Reverend_Scott

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

@just1fool

I wish “friends with benefits” meant your friends paid all of your bills.