WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
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Guys, I have an announcement to make.
I’ve decided to use the quarantine as an opportunity to rekindle my marriage.
Everyone here knows we are struggling, and this may be the last shot I have at reconnecting.
Hahaha just kidding is Amazon still shipping shovels?
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I just think of unfollowers as me paying my Follower Tax.
livin la vida broka
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I wish “friends with benefits” meant your friends paid all of your bills.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.