Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
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Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Taking phone security to the next level.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Pat is about to own someone
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
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