@TuSoonShakur

CRUELLA DE VIL: you’re just giving away all of these coats for free?

SHELTER CLERK: yeah we call them rescues though

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@LuckoftheDraw86

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

@Swishergirl24

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

@Hobo_Splendido

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

@_AlanGarner_

My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, And they’re like “It wasn’t that hard.”

@TheMichaelRock

Kids: haha you have to work and we don’t have school today

Me *closing the front door* I changed the wifi password. Love you guys!

@70Ceeks

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

@3_livi

How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.

@RWaddell86

If I was in StarWars I would probably just be that guy that keeps turning his lightsaber on and off and on and off like a pen.

@One_FineMess

Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard.

And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.

@P_o_n_k

BRUNO MARS: I’d catch a grenade for ya

ME: Thanks, but I’d probably still die.

BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya

ME: Again…