HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
CRUELLA DE VIL: you’re just giving away all of these coats for free?
SHELTER CLERK: yeah we call them rescues though
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My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, And they’re like “It wasn’t that hard.”
Kids: haha you have to work and we don’t have school today
Me *closing the front door* I changed the wifi password. Love you guys!
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
If I was in StarWars I would probably just be that guy that keeps turning his lightsaber on and off and on and off like a pen.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard.
And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
BRUNO MARS: I’d catch a grenade for ya
ME: Thanks, but I’d probably still die.
BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya