“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
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One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
My first child will be named New Folder.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.