@fro_vo

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

You Might Also Like

@JennyPentland

Maybe stop asking 20yo beauty queens how to solve problems the government hasn’t even been able to figure out in 200 years?

@okayestgoalie76

Me: “Siri, find me the nearest Starbucks”

Siri: “the addiction hotline is…”

Me: “no, I said….”

Siri: “Oh, I heard you!”

@Parentpains

Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was “LOL” and I was holding my statement upside down.

@Cpin42

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

@Cherbearxo

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

@TheBeerGuy73

Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!

Me: How about a guillotine?

Wife:

Me: I’ll be on the couch.

@Dawn_M_

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

@Tups13

Sex? When I saw you lying naked on the bed surrounded by candles I assumed you were performing a satanic ritual. What, I’m a mindreader now?

@raysofdezi

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.