Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

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Maybe stop asking 20yo beauty queens how to solve problems the government hasn’t even been able to figure out in 200 years?


Me: “Siri, find me the nearest Starbucks”

Siri: “the addiction hotline is…”

Me: “no, I said….”

Siri: “Oh, I heard you!”


Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was “LOL” and I was holding my statement upside down.


8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”


Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.


Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!

Me: How about a guillotine?


Me: I’ll be on the couch.


What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?


Sex? When I saw you lying naked on the bed surrounded by candles I assumed you were performing a satanic ritual. What, I’m a mindreader now?


I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.