Maybe stop asking 20yo beauty queens how to solve problems the government hasn’t even been able to figure out in 200 years?
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
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Me: “Siri, find me the nearest Starbucks”
Siri: “the addiction hotline is…”
Me: “no, I said….”
Siri: “Oh, I heard you!”
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was “LOL” and I was holding my statement upside down.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Sex? When I saw you lying naked on the bed surrounded by candles I assumed you were performing a satanic ritual. What, I’m a mindreader now?
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.