[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
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Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again