[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
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I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
WHY?!
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Botany good plants lately?
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado