[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
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Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.