@squirrel74wkgn

[crumpled up paper on floor]

*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…*

*leaves it*

You Might Also Like

@TheCatWhisprer

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

@marknorm

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

@nikkithecanuck

I must admit, my “Kiss Me, I Have The Zika Virus” T-shirt is giving me a lot of personal space inside this subway car.

@LaBaPete

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

@Home_Halfway

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

@Super_Cynthia

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

@HenpeckedHal

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

@Kyle_Raney

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

@SamGrittner

Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!

@DaddyJew

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad