We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
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Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
I must admit, my “Kiss Me, I Have The Zika Virus” T-shirt is giving me a lot of personal space inside this subway car.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad