crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

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Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ


This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.


My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.


Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.


I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic


Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.


WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments


Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”


My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.


Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”