When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
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Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I’m at my most nurturing when I’m plotting a way to drop my 12 yr old at school 3 days early.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret