Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
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This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”