crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
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I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.