Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
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I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao