Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
The rest of the human race
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
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I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.