– Spider tinder
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
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[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Guide: Bathroom anyone?
Me: I peed at the Tower of Pizza
Guide: That’s Pisa
Me: Sorry. I took a pisa at the Tower of Pizza
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
If opposites attract than why do women with clothes on always run away from me?
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Brb, I’m gonna go pet that dog.
– me, drunk, about to get kicked by a horse
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.