@fishbowel

Crush: what u up to

Me: about to take a shower and listen to music

Crush: nice, what kind

Me: *nervously* one with water

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@T_Bonezzz_

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

@SwedishCanary

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

@HansGrubertron

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

@LoverOfComics94

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

@bacon_gillepic

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

@Robert_Beau

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

@CheryeDavis

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

@ScaryMommy

In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.

@ClichedOut

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.