Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river

Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”

We need to move

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words

We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict

Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”

Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

23. the denim jacket

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.