@Shawn_spree

Cry if you missed someone.

Try to shoot them again before they leave.

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@3Snowbee3

BF: Will you marry me?
GF: Do we have to live together?
BF:

@Reverend_Scott

mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]

@CantWaitToNap

“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.

@LittleMissAngr1

Elevator rides become way more exciting if you announce to everyone that only one person is getting out alive.

@lovemydogduck

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.

@MartaEffing

[1st day in hell]
Devil: Your damnation will be that you are a shoe model for all eternity.
Me: That’s it?
D: *hands me orange Crocs*

@MattTheBrand

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

@mommy_cusses

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

@TheBoydP

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

@RobDenBleyker

Someone please help me with my pope resume, so far all I have is “I look fantastic in large hats.”