BF: Will you marry me?
GF: Do we have to live together?
Cry if you missed someone.
Try to shoot them again before they leave.
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mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Elevator rides become way more exciting if you announce to everyone that only one person is getting out alive.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
[1st day in hell]
Devil: Your damnation will be that you are a shoe model for all eternity.
Me: That’s it?
D: *hands me orange Crocs*
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
me: WHAT IF
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Someone please help me with my pope resume, so far all I have is “I look fantastic in large hats.”