a wizard dating app called bumbledore
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I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Squirrels before girls.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd