@Shawn_spree

Cry if you missed someone.

Try to shoot them again before they leave.

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@WheelTod

Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”

Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”

*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”

@primawesome

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

@SexytotheNorth

*selects Warrant’s Cherry Pie on jukebox.

*starts dancing on counter top in cafe.

*enjoys a piece of hot pie in back of police cruiser.

@zoebread

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

@BatBatshitcrazy

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

@Reverend_Scott

“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”

It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.

@kimlockhartga

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.