Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
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I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
OKAY DAD
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.