@sixfootcandy

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

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@garrettbarry70

A clown sighting was reported at the office this morning but it turns out Karen put her make up on in the car again.

@Birdhumms

“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.

@Ivsy01

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

@SteveInevitable

While texting a girl she told me “I’m board” so I stopped seeing her. I wasn’t offended. I just don’t date wood. Or people who can’t spell.

@jwoodham

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

@Mom_Overboard

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

@Hypercraxy

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

@JohnLyonTweets

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

@foodfacenow

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

@JimmerThatisAll

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.