*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
You Might Also Like
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be