Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
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we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.