@Parkerlawyer

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

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@VodkaShorebird

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

@sarcasm_inc

I vote we change the word “bar” after “salad” because no one is taking this shot of ranch off me and its starting to get awkward.

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

@MommaUnfiltered

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

@skullmandible

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

@buseysteeth

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

@kumailn

“Well we’ve been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever.” – cops in GTA 5

@TheCatWhisprer

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN