“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
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*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I vote we change the word “bar” after “salad” because no one is taking this shot of ranch off me and its starting to get awkward.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
“Well we’ve been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever.” – cops in GTA 5
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN