crying
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Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?