Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
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Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
When you kidnap a writer.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.