[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
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[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.