CSI is like Scooby-Doo for old people.

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I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.


“Hitting it hard as shit” and “tickling the hole” are not phrases that I would have associated with golf before today


*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*


Jesus??? Nah, Vishnu is my copilot…he’s got like 4 arms.


*a man runs into the bar*


*my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*


Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef


As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me


I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?


I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone


There are 2 kinds of people:

1) Happy morning people

2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people