CSI is like Scooby-Doo for old people.

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Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*


Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.


4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit


There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.


doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?

doc: whoa there, hold your horses


My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.


shame on Kellyanne Conway for attempting to politicize the Bowling Green massacre, in which I was killed


Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?


Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.


Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series