“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
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7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
I was up all night reading about insomnia
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.