@mcarmel

Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.

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@JoParkerBear

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

@ThisLocalHater

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.

@HonestToddler

Tonight’s bedtime story was about three pigs struggling with repeat home invasions. Thanks for the new fear.

@Darlainky

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

@primawesome

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

@pauleggleston

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

@KattsDogma

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

@goldman

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”