@mcarmel: Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
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@AmishPornStar1: I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!! Oh, wait, never mind...I got it.
@nonsensetwit: My fear of spiders happened when I went to hit one with a newspaper, and it looked at me and did pushups saying "try again bro."
@_troyjohnson: *loads dryer* Fitted Sheet: HE'S BURNING US ALIVE! COME, SHIRT! COME, PANTS! HOP IN MY BOSOM AND I WILL FORM A PROTECTIVE BALL OF MOISTURE!
@drinksmcgee: Top 3 ways to kill Werewolves: 3. Kill them in human form 2. Shoot them with a silver bullet 1. Feed them chocolate