Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
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(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I have a black belt in leather
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.