@MollyCocktail
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
@GrantTanaka
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
You Might Also Like
@MollyCocktail
@AimeeHelene1
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
@ryanqnorth
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
@ArfMeasures
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
@milliondollrfam
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
@garrettbarry70
*First date.
Her. “Shall we carve our names onto this tree”
Me. “You brought a knife?”
@hythemafia
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
@lakeanagirl
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
@3sunzzz
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
@dksc4life
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.