[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

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I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend


*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!


My dog’s food looks like Cocoa Puffs, but doesn’t taste like it.


Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!


Doctor Who. He can travel to any planet during any period but mostly ends up in places that look like present day England.


V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”


Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me


Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.


Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front


Any man can undress a woman with his eyes. Be different. Undress her with your nose.