[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

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Iโ€™m a succubus but instead of sexual acts I lure you with my awkwardness and instead of stealing your soul, I steal your tacos


Do you wanna hold hands?

– me, about to be bitten by a raccoon.


People who say laughter is the best medicine have clearly never tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.


Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!


[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)


her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags


I say tomato.
You say tomahto.
Then I whip out my Webster’s dictionary and show you how you pronounced it wrong.


If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.


Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.


Women to the left of me
Women to the right of me
That’s when I realized I was in the wrong bathroom