@GrantTanaka

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

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@MollyCocktail

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

@ryanqnorth

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

@ArfMeasures

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

@milliondollrfam

[Shopping with $100]

As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!

As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?

@garrettbarry70

*First date.

Her. “Shall we carve our names onto this tree”
Me. “You brought a knife?”

@hythemafia

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

@lakeanagirl

Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

@3sunzzz

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.