Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@YesItsAl

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

@Darlainky

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

@chrisdowning

My dog’s food looks like Cocoa Puffs, but doesn’t taste like it.

@mommywhitfield

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

@kumailn

Doctor Who. He can travel to any planet during any period but mostly ends up in places that look like present day England.

@rachelheldevans

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

@Mom_Overboard

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

@Contwixt

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

@ArfMeasures

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

@InsouciantMan

Any man can undress a woman with his eyes. Be different. Undress her with your nose.