When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
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Me: *pees on her leg*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Her. “Shall we carve our names onto this tree”
Me. “You brought a knife?”
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.