“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
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*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”