@novicefather

[cuddling]
her: what are you thinking about?
me: these pretzels are making me thirsty

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@EndhooS

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

@kyry5

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

@Julian_Deane

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

@therealeatwood

JUDGE: I sentence you to 2 consecutive life sentences

[60 yrs later: convict dies, is reincarnated]

COP: This baby camel is under arrest

@KattsDogma

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

@swisherr_tweet

How to be a white girl:

1.) Get a frappuccino from Starbucks
2.) take a picture drinking it
3.) Instagram it
4.) hash tag ‘summerrrrrrrrr’

@TheBananaFacts

Bananas will never talk shit about you. Not because they don’t have mouths….but because they respect the choices you make.

@AngryRaccoon2

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

@robfee

Dang girl are you the police on Grand Theft Auto, because 2 minutes after I leave you forget all about me & move on to someone else.