Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
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I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
being a writer on Twitter:
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.