CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
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Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
@funTweeters I am at your service….
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.