@Browtweaten

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

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@pilau

An idle mind is the Devil’s playground

Devil: [inside my mind] this playground is shit

@MarfSalvador

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

@Social_Mime

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

@JB4Realz

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

@EricaWhoToYou

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

@DirtMcTurd

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

@iamspacegirl

ME: It would ring, and we would… Answer it.
TEENS: but, like, how did you know who it WAS?
ME *staring into the distance* We never did…

@SJSchauer

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

@Brampersandon_

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same