Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
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Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school