Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
You Might Also Like
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.