[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
You Might Also Like
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??