Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
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cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Phones down.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.