If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
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need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Me: Once the raptor comes we will all be in a better place.
Friend: You mean Rapture.
Me: Ha! No.
*velociraptor sounds outside*
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
whats the definition of a will? (lol come on guys its a dead giveaway)
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
*takes 5 more shots*
me to an ex: wyd
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job