@justokpanda

Curiosity killed the cat, but an ancient tribal burial site brought him back. Whoopsies.

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@KMoFlo_official

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”

@Moe_Murdah

Boyfriend questionnaire:

1) Have job?
2) Have car?
3) Have goals?

If you answer yes to any of the above questions thanks but no thanks.

@PaperWash

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

@timdonakowski

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

@AnnietheNanny1

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

@daemonic3

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

@lilgapeach30

Did you mean pacific or specific?

Cuz seriously, one is an ocean.

@TheTweetOfGod

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

@rickygervais

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

@sonictyrant

Cop: my dog sniffed out this bag from your car

Me: that’s dope

Cop: Right? Super good boy