Curiosity killed the cat, but an ancient tribal burial site brought him back. Whoopsies.

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Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”


Boyfriend questionnaire:

1) Have job?
2) Have car?
3) Have goals?

If you answer yes to any of the above questions thanks but no thanks.


[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me


Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.


Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.


[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil


Did you mean pacific or specific?

Cuz seriously, one is an ocean.


I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.


Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”


Cop: my dog sniffed out this bag from your car

Me: that’s dope

Cop: Right? Super good boy