WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
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I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor