Curiosity killed the cat, but an ancient tribal burial site brought him back. Whoopsies.

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I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want


I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.


My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.


Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.


The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.


I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.


“I’m in your city”.

me: ok. enjoy it.


Your an idiot.
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.


Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza