Curiosity killed the cat, but an ancient tribal burial site brought him back. Whoopsies.

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Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.


Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you just plow thru Uranus because it’s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.


On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.


[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it


Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.


Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.


One of the worst things about being deaf has to be the inability to tell whether people are yawning or screaming…


I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets.

Hold it, you’re talking about BABIES?


There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.