People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
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He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.