“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
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Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Me checking my bank balance online.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.