@NoogsCorner

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

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@lalastrailer

If I had a dollar for everyone I work with who’s dumber than me, I’d have $11 cause I work for a small company.

@david8hughes

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

@letsgetgizzy

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

@CAshmanActor

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

@WhaJoTalkinBout

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

@jamitupin

The question is not what am I doing in your house, the question is why are you home from work early?

@YoungNobler

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

@KentWGraham

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

@LuvPug

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

@StaceyShortcake

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.