Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
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One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
🖤✌🏽
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.