Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
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Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
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5.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?