Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
You Might Also Like
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”