Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
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Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal