Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
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Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg